I'd managed to miss this post the first time around so I just now read it and I thought it made a lot of sense, although I did take exception to one statement:
If you can't be friends with a woman who's turned you down, especially if you find yourself getting really angry about it, you have no business being in a relationship until you work out your issues.
Keeping in mind that any situation where you get much angrier than is reasonable (e.g. road rage, your kids sporting events, etc...) is bad, the base statement that "If you can't be friends with a woman who's turned you down... you have no business being in a relationship until you work out your issues." seems a bit unfair and if anything it seems like the kind of thing that would engender more Nice Guy behaviour. I think a lot of Nic Guy behaviour is the result of people trying to find romance by following "the rules" without really stopping to think about what they're trying to do or even why they're doing it.
I know that personally when I've been rejected by someone it helps me a lot if I can get away from them for a while (which can vary from days to weeks or even longer) while I re-calibrate how I think/feel about that person. Immediately after rejection I have not-good feelings whenever I see/interact the person in question and I need time to sort things out so that I don't have the not-good feelings (whether I feel sad, or like I'm a loser/unworthy, maybe even annoyed at myself for misreading the other person etc...) and sometimes it's hard to get back into the same groove with someone after that's happened.
I dunno, I guess for me part of the problem is that I tend to be friends with exceedingly diverse groups/types of people and if I stop spending time with one person/group it's not that hard to start spending time with another person/group while I assimilate the new social interaction knowledge (e.g. figuring out what are or are not good signs, what might have been bad signs etc...) and more often than not it does take a while to fully sort things out.
I dunno, maybge I do have issues, but I'm inclined to think that stopping and taking time to figure them out as much as possible is a good thing.
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Date: 2006-03-27 04:47 pm (UTC)If you can't be friends with a woman who's turned you down, especially if you find yourself getting really angry about it, you have no business being in a relationship until you work out your issues.
Keeping in mind that any situation where you get much angrier than is reasonable (e.g. road rage, your kids sporting events, etc...) is bad, the base statement that "If you can't be friends with a woman who's turned you down... you have no business being in a relationship until you work out your issues." seems a bit unfair and if anything it seems like the kind of thing that would engender more Nice Guy behaviour. I think a lot of Nic Guy behaviour is the result of people trying to find romance by following "the rules" without really stopping to think about what they're trying to do or even why they're doing it.
I know that personally when I've been rejected by someone it helps me a lot if I can get away from them for a while (which can vary from days to weeks or even longer) while I re-calibrate how I think/feel about that person. Immediately after rejection I have not-good feelings whenever I see/interact the person in question and I need time to sort things out so that I don't have the not-good feelings (whether I feel sad, or like I'm a loser/unworthy, maybe even annoyed at myself for misreading the other person etc...) and sometimes it's hard to get back into the same groove with someone after that's happened.
I dunno, I guess for me part of the problem is that I tend to be friends with exceedingly diverse groups/types of people and if I stop spending time with one person/group it's not that hard to start spending time with another person/group while I assimilate the new social interaction knowledge (e.g. figuring out what are or are not good signs, what might have been bad signs etc...) and more often than not it does take a while to fully sort things out.
I dunno, maybge I do have issues, but I'm inclined to think that stopping and taking time to figure them out as much as possible is a good thing.