I share because I love, Valentine's edition

[brynndragon]

(via dragontdc)
It takes a poet to explain why Valentine's Day is more than Hallmark and expensive flowers, it's blood on the snow and celebration of love and joy, so stop poo-pooing it already: On Valentine's Day

Comments

Re: Forcing a public celebration of such a deeply personal thing

[benndragon.livejournal.com]

Now that's taking individualism rather too far. No man is an island, and a damn good thing - our lives would be poorer if we lived them alone, without our friends and family helping us cope with the bad time and celebrate the good times. I'm with Spider Robinson on this one: Shared pain is lessened, shared joy increased. The biggest pains and joys should be shared with more people, not fewer. This is how we acknowledge each other as human beings, how we avoid the tantalizing despair of solipsism. It's true that we can fall into the trap of acting in a play on the public stage rather than engaging with the people around us, but destroying all connections with others will not solve our problems so much as change them for the worse. We need to reengage with humanity, not push them all away.

Re: Forcing a public celebration of such a deeply personal thing

[gothfather.livejournal.com]

I am not talking about cutting off all ties; perhaps I worded my reply improperly.

I'm talking more about the problem of public scrutiny and control over what is essentially a private matter. It's the same thing that causes problems for non-monogamous and/or non-hetero relationships: public pressure to conform to a narrow and massively dysfunctional 'norm' that ignores basic biology, human drives, and the subtleties of emotion. While there are many that try to engage others in a healthy manner, there are far too many who accept the public judgement and try to conform to it; they, in turn, expect others to do the same.

When it comes right down to it, a relationship between people should be a matter personal and private choice, not some bizarre societal expectation. While it is good and healthy to share your feelings with others, it is not healthy to share them with Everyone, nor is it healthy to expect others to always share theirs, and it is NEVER healthy to force your emotions to fit some social definition of "normal'.

And that's the main problem with Valentine's Day: it celebrates an unrealistic expectation. As much as you and the author of that piece wishes to 'take it back", brushing off criticisms of the institution as it stands today as "poo-pooing" just makes things worse.

And, of course, none of this even touches that small minority who have never felt these sorts of deep connections for another person and are often belittled, shamed, and looked down upon for it. Any kind of public celebration of this kind actively excludes these people and drives a deeper wedge between them and the greater society.

As a side note, thank you for engaging me in this discussion. Most people would rather just call me a jerk and a loser for having the opinions that I do.

Re: Forcing a public celebration of such a deeply personal thing

[benndragon.livejournal.com]

It sounds like you're saying the answer to the problem of people needing to hide in closets is to build closets for all, to make closets the new normal. I'd rather tear the closets down and have loving consensual relationships be celebrated in all their forms - let same-sex couples get married in churches and community centers that welcome them with open arms, let the polyamorous be open with their love as we work out the legal conundrums of such extended relationships. We know that people who know LGBT folks become more accepting of LGBT lifestyles - people fear what they do not know. Extending the closets will only increase the fear, giving more power to the Jerry Falwells of the world.

So I can not condone the depublicization of intimate relationships. The opposite makes us more real to each other - not the saccharine tales of Hollywood but the real life ins and outs of trying to get along with our fellows, of loving and failing and trying again. It's only through seeing and knowing our mutual humanity that we can come to understand and truly love each other. That is the only way for the strange to truly be safe - by being seen as real human beings along with everyone else.

(I know there are some very foundational ideas and themes that we just plain do not agree on, and this is a subject I am very passionate about. So I am glad that you do see this as debate of ideas rather than discussion of personal qualities - I can see at least in part why you hold your views, even while I deeply disagree with them ;)

Re: Forcing a public celebration of such a deeply personal thing

[gothfather.livejournal.com]

Agreed, we definitely are coming at this from extremely different foundational philosophies and real-world experiences. I'd rather discuss these kinds of things and get ideas on the table; turning it personal does not encourage anything but spite, and I'd prefer to have my ideas challenged a bit once in a while to see whether they're still viable. And you... well, I know you well enough to know that you're very respectful of such things. Just wanted to make sure you knew I appreciated it.