Random Thoughts

[brynndragon]

You know, I would like to be a dad someday, but I don't think I would enjoy being a mom. However, I don't think I'd have much choice in the matter. So not so much with having kids, unless I end up with someone who actively wants to do the mom thing.

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Comments

[catya.livejournal.com]

By "Dad" do you mean "non-primary parent" ? :) Or something else?

Personally, I'm happy with being the primary parent, but really cranky when i am / feel like i am the the ONLY active parent. I totally get the advantages of the non-primary parent role though.

[benndragon.livejournal.com]

I'm still at the intuition-level of understanding, so I'm lacking words to really explain it right now. But I think "non-primary parent" is pretty close if not spot-on. My own mom stayed at home and has been a daycare mom since I was 1, while my dad had various positions with a baseline of "must be enough to be able to take care of my family" but otherwise were whatever satisfied him. He spent a bunch of time with me and my brother but he got to follow his dreams to a far greater degree than my mom has been able to do. So I want to get to do what he did, rather than be stuck with what my mom has had to do.

Which makes me note that I don't think I could make the dad role stick unless I had a partner who was actively engaging in the mom role. I would feel like I had to do it if they failed to do so, and my resentment of everything would just go through the roof. Thankfully I'm pretty OK with not having kids at all unless I was absolutely sure of my partner's ability and inclination to do the mom thing, so hopefully no one has to be raised by a resentful Brynn ;P.

[motomuffin.livejournal.com]

Heh.

I've thought the same thing.

I would be sort of OK with NOT being the primary caretaker, NOT the one with most of the responsibility, NOT the one who has to be pregnant.

Even better? Would be having a kid with someone with whom I don't live, and of whom I do not have custody. I think that'd be pretty key. I'd spend every other weekend with it, and then give it back. Hooray!

[benndragon.livejournal.com]

*laugh* I think your best bet is having friends with kids. Which you've already got, so you win :).

The idea of being pregnant doesn't bug me so much. Hell, I'm willing to be a surrogate for people I trust to be good parents who can't have kids themselves. It's the 18+ years after that that worry me ;P.

[etherial.livejournal.com]

So, what you're saying is that you don't want to be a stay-at-home mom. Why abandon the feminine pronoun then?

[benndragon.livejournal.com]

There are differences that go above and beyond staying at home vs. working. The life of the working moms that I know (including the moms my mom does daycare for) is no more appealing to me than being a stay-at-home mom - I don't want to be the first person who gets called home when my kid gets sick, or the one who has to call up the other to explain that there's a noodle stuck up the little one's nose and would you please stop doing your after-work socializing to help me deal with this, or the one whose has to explain the particular habits of the little one to the daycare (although I'd gladly help with any of these things when necessary).

I'm still working on articulating what the difference is between the roles - Catya's comment about primary vs. non-primary parent is the closest I've gotten thus far. But I'm really sure I'd want the dad role and not the mom role.

re: dad role and not the mom role

[etherial.livejournal.com]

But there is no dad role any more than there's a mom role. There's all kinds of dads and moms out there. So, I guess I'm asking, what is the advantage of calling yourself a dad over a mom?

I can see how calling yourself a dad helps challenge people's expectations of your relationship with your children and can force them to open their eyes a little to the fact that the maternal parent doesn't always need to be the primary parent. On the other hand, I can see how calling yourself a mom and refusing to do the stereotypical mom things can also accomplish this.

Re: dad role and not the mom role

[benndragon.livejournal.com]

My words are not satisfying to me either yet, but right now this is the best way I can figure for explaining my feelings and intuition on this subject. It's also likely to be the most minimal, straight-forward way of expressing it - the only improvement I can think to make is adding the word "working" before "mom" to indicate that I'm not just talking about working vs. staying at home.

[ellyfialy.livejournal.com]

Hrm... So when I have kids, do you want to come over and play catch with them? Or sit on our recliner and read the paper? And I can threaten them with "You just wait until Brynn gets here!" Puppy might disapprove, but he'll be busy playing video games.

[benndragon.livejournal.com]

*laugh* When you have kids I'll gladly come over and play with them. I'll even try not to wind them up so much they don't go to bed ;P. Also, feel free to threaten them with my presence, and I can sit and read the paper while yon Puppy plays video games *giggle*.

I need to actually get over there and visit you. My last final is on Monday, after which I get my life back. In fact, on Tuesday I have a fiddle lesson near your place that ends at 6:30 and thus I'd be in the area for hanging out afterwards, or I can hang out some other day. Send me an e-mail, we can figure out specifics.

[ellyfialy.livejournal.com]

Will do. I think I have your email around here ... somewhere. Otherwise, I'll just post directions to my house on my journal for your amusement.

Also, you could come to our Winter-een-mas party next weekend (26-28). Details are flocked on my journal.

Leaving the Old Titles Behind

[mistressbellona.livejournal.com]

If you decide to have kids at some point, that doesn't mean you have to stay home with them for the next 18 years. The old titles mean little other than "female parental unit" and "male parental unit" at this point. Many women are the primary bread-winners of their families and, whether or not the father stays home, they have successful careers and are still good mothers.

If you're thinking more along the lines of "but I don't want to be the maternal/softy figure," all I can say is feh. As long as you care about the child they can pick up on it, regarless of how much babying goes on.

Re: Leaving the Old Titles Behind

[benndragon.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know about being a cool post-modern working mom who has career, family, and social life, but the way that works in practice is no more appealing to me than the more traditional stay-at-home-mom life. I'd much rather be the post-modern dad who stays at home with the kids once or twice a week while Mom gets to have her post-modern social life, but honestly isn't much different than the traditional dad with career and existance beyond one's kids. I get a bit more into other differences in above comments.

[mytheria.livejournal.com]

I've had similar thoughts.
But sometimes in a rather weird direction, in the 1 step removed role. I'd love to find a nice gay couple who'd want me to go through pregnancy and birth. (I'm kooky, I think want to experience that, but I don't want the responsibilty of raising a child at this point in my life, and possibly never) And then be an active part of the child's life in the crazy aunt manner. Not have custody, not be primary care giver, but be actively a part of the child's life and be among the 'trusted adults'.

[benndragon.livejournal.com]

I also find that appealing, and have offered that as an option to a friend of mine who I think will be a great dad someday.

[brewergnome.livejournal.com]

I'll have to invite Aunt Brynn over when I have children.

My parents switched off. Mom was "Mom" for longer, but for the first five years, Dad made the meals, brought us to daycare, all that jazz. Then Mom realized she barely knew us (and I literally fell asleep face first into my spaghetti) and they switched for 12 years.

[benndragon.livejournal.com]

W00t! I totally need to just let all my friends have kids :).

*laugh* I'm kinda concerned about that happening should I find a suitable-mom partner, although I suspect I'd be more interested in primary-parenting when it's not the part I had to live with until I left for college.